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I had initially planned on posting this to Facebook (I’ve still NOT reactivated) but decided this would be the best place. It’s mostly just my ranting after a difficult day.

I am not a happy person. I haven’t been one for a long time, now. Of course, I love my child, my husband, my family, my friends. But there are a number of factors that have contributed to the decline of my mental wellbeing. Namely: work and money.

There have been a certain number of changes in my workplace that haven’t gone over well for me. A number of things have happened and are happening that either make me angry or depress me. And making myself accept these changes as something I have no control over is difficult for me. 

While I have always known that I have no control over what happens at work, I have had to come to the realization that no matter what I want to happen or what changes I’d like to make, and no matter how hard I try–such as a position or shift change–I will never be given the opportunity to do so. No matter how much I want it. 

Money has also played a role in my changes. Foremost is the knowledge that because I got used to NOT having my loan payment to worry about, I’ve been neglecting it for months. While I had it deferred for one glorious year, I could have been putting money back, saving, preparing for its eminent return. I did not think about it, I did not work on saving for it once leave was over. And because of my lack, it’s my fault that I’m in dire straights now. And that’s, in combination with cut hours and other bills, the stress of money bears down on me like Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders. 

So I am not a happy person. I am a stressed, depressed, and angry person. And quite often this anger, stress, and depression is taken out on others. If anyone has been hurt, offended, or annoyed by my behavior over the last several months, I apologize. 

Lately, it seems the only comfort and peace I find is in the evening snuggles with my child. Tonight, while I’d hoped that she’d be asleep when I got home, she was awake. Her daddy was trying to get her down to sleep, but when she saw me she practically tried climbing over him to get to me. My heart melted. We cuddled a bit before she got to fussy and too tired. Soon after giving her a bottle she was out and sleeping peacefully in my arms. I looked at her and whispered, “Mommy loves you, you know that?” And I kissed her cheek. 

She is my best thing ever. She is my happy place. Even when she’s fussy, or grumpy. Even when she’s trying to bite my fingers. Always. She’s my sunshine and she makes my days brighter. 

She doesn’t quite understand when or why mommy is upset and she doesn’t know how happy she makes me. But she is sure good at brightening my life. 

I am not a happy person. I’ve cried recently more times than I can count. I’ve longed for some miracle to come and make my life just a little bit easier. I’ve wished for something better to come along. I’ve prayed that I didn’t have to stick with a job I honestly don’t want anymore. But for my daughter and my husband I stay. 

But I cannot much longer. 

Once some of my bills are paid off and the burden of money has lifted slightly, I WILL find something different. I WILL find something new. Whether it be in a school, or flipping burgers, I WILL not do this anymore. 

Until then, it’s head down mouth shut. I will accept the things I cannot change. I will do my job, I will work silent and quick. I will do as I am told. I will smile and greet customers and assist them eagerly–as I have always done. That is one of the few things I enjoy best about my job. Helping customers. Yes, even the rude ones. 

Someday the light will not brighten only when my daughter is around. Someday the light will be bright always, and I will be happier. Someday, someday, someday. 

-c

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